Divine order rules! A doubt-inducing childhood, a sweet young husband’s early death, countless broken hearts and flawed careers, were all perfectly designed to get me where I came here to go; to help me evolve to my highest state of grace, to know God, and to become who I became. I mostly forget this.

All my prayers are heard and answered. I always forget this.

When I’m on path and in alignment with divine order, I feel of use to the greater message, the larger truth, the highest good. It moves through me like a ray of light piercing everything, a laser beam opening my heart, filling the pages of my books, conversations with clients, and classrooms where I stand in front. None of it comes from me – a flawed human like everyone else here. I just finally get out of the way.

When I forget about divine order, nothing makes sense. My sadness is legendary. My hunger is hopeless. Heartbreak brings me to my knees in despair. Everyone betrays me; my mother, brother, sister, lover, friend. I am a boat without a mooring. Fear blocks my inner voice. My mind tricks me. I let it.

When I remember the loving God-ness of our universe, my heart breaks wide open.

Sacred wisdom pours through me and showers the world in diamonds – each one forged from the fire of tremendous loss. Forgiveness abounds. I feel held by the angels. Kissed by the Deities.

I adore my mother, brother, sister, lover, friend. I see their painful stories, their enormous grief and astounding gifts. I see how hard they’ve tried, how endlessly they’ve worked. I adore them all. The sound of their laughter is the sweetest sound

I’ve ever known. I lift the veil and see into the other realms vividly. I speak out loud to my departed dad, to Paul, Crissie and Marv. It’s all good, they whisper. Very good…

When I get to cross over, I’ll apologize for the wasted days here, the endless pain, the soaring doubt and aching exhaustion – the days when I didn’t move. My divine beloveds will hold me and tell me that it was all part of the play, the dance of life, and exactly what they expected. They’ll remind me that I couldn’t have lived here without each moment of deeply felt pain, determined anger, and paralyzing doubt.

These profound feelings, they’ll explain, led me to my moments of boundless love, soul-shaking awe, inspired wisdom and healing grace.

When I cross over I want YOU to say, her wisdom helped me. She showed me something that was true that I’d forgotten. She loved me deeply. She reminded me who I am. She showed me my own divine greatness when I had given up. She saw me as powerful, gifted, and boundlessly capable. She filled me with hope and pushed me forward through my wasted days of endless doubt. She lived through those pitiful days herself. She pushed herself past them to touch the divine. Just a touch, just a moment of illumination is everything, she told me. I believed her. I will always remember this.

What I know to be true is this: Our pain is on purpose. Our joy is the gift. Our heart is all that matters. Our mind is a great monkey loose in the forest and running amuck; he must be tamed or he will turn on us savagely.

Our truth is inside – always. It’s the inner voice that only speaks loud enough when we turn within, tame the savage monkey, pull away from the surface, and surrender assumptions; when we dip a trembling hand into the deepest water that terrifies us most and we help someone who is drowning right beside us.

Our truth only speaks up when we see the heartbreak in all of our journeys, the struggle in everyone’s life, the pain shared by each family member, the divine inner guidance that we mostly forget. This compassion is the fabric of our universe, and it guides us flawlessly through the night. This is all that matters.

I will remember this now.

WHAT I’m trying to say is that even when we don’t know it, when we feel completely alone, there are people who are part of our soul posse who show up in our hour of greatest need and help us in ways we may never know and never see.

These soul mate agreements are always working in our favor even when we feel hopelessly abandoned, they’re standing where they should be standing and lending a hand in just the way that will save us.

And mostly it’s only at the end of our life or in brief glimpses of the divine that we fully see this luminous connection, this brilliant pattern, and know that it’s real and that we’ve always been held in grace. This final knowledge breaks us wide open in speechless, awestruck gratitude – even as we take our last gasping breath and our bodies disintegrate into a million shards of light.